Swimming Lessons

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a few days. I was embarrassed by my last post, and pretty close to throwing in the towel entirely. Who wants to read the rantings of a crazy person/animal hoarder? I'm not proud of my behavior; the obsessive thinking, the irritability and the despair surrounding an irrelevant thing like a dog. Why couldn't I obsess about my school work, or getting a new job or reaching out to friends more often? Although the obsessive thoughts would still just be a distraction from the actual problem, at least I would be thinking a lot about something productive. I'm surprised I didn't see it for what it was, the dog thing. I'm embarrassed that I let myself and my emotions get caught up in it and didn't challenge my state of mind. I didn't want to dig deeper, I didn't want to know what was really causing me to feel hopeless, sad, angry and restless. I took the easy way out, as I so often do. And by the time the problem hit me square on in the face, it was too late. I had written about it on my blog, I had spent all day thinking about it and I had a tension headache that would not give up. The truth was this:

• I had spent the last three days in my house, holed up away from the snow and was desperate to get out
• I wanted to get out, but had no interest in going to any of the places that I would normally go (i.e. work, school, the store, my mom's house)   
• I felt stuck, I felt like my life was caving in on me, suffocating me
• I wanted to quit everything--school and work, my relationship, the place where I live, everything
• I am unhappy with my life

I guess it would make sense then, why a furry companion would be an easier thing to think about. Why I would believe that a dog would fix everything.

Even after realizing this, the beast has a strong hold on me. He hasn't left my side for days. But I guess realizing that you're unhappy in almost every aspect of your life doesn't mean that your feelings will suddenly change. Now I have to sit with it. I have to live with these feelings, everyday.

I want to change; I want to be emotionally stable, I want to have a job where I am valued and respected, I want to be able to fulfill my academic potential in school, I want to be able to contribute more to my relationship with Robert. 

But the beast has me in his grip and I am paralyzed.

I am not a person I like. I am not a person I want to be. 

I've been drowning in the blankets of my bed, the beast holding my head under water.

I haven't left my house, except to go to work. 

At work I can go through the motions, I can let my body lead.

The beast taunts me, blames me

You are so weak, why can't we go outside?

My life is all the walls

and the walls are caving in.

The beast laughs as the water slips in underneath the door

It covers my floor and rises

All I can do is pull the blankets tighter around me

and go back to sleep.

I wake up, and the water is higher

higher

higher still.

Someone throw me lifeboat, please

help me

before I'm out of breaths

before he's got me in his jaws

before I drown.

Sometimes I can't sleep

Sometimes I think I could sleep forever.

I am not a person I like. I am not a person I want to be.

I want to stop hurting others

and myself

I want to be stronger

                    happier

                    prettier

                     skinnier

                     smarter

                     better.

You have no soul

You're losing control

You're fat ass is coming back

You're never going to get better

things people have said to me

are the same things my beast whispers to me every night before I go to sleep.

I need to change my whole life right now.