I don't know what's going on with me.
Last night, I was inexplicably angry and needed to be by myself. Then after a while, I was watching an episode of Law and Order SVU, a pretty emotional episode, when despair overwhelmed me. All of the sudden I was crying, and not because Elliot Stabler's wife was pregnant and had been in a car crash, but just because. I went downstairs to be near Robert.
Being near me is hard sometimes.
We fought. And I had thought I had done everything right.
I had walked away when I began to feel angry,
I asked for space when I needed it
I worked through the anger and I reached out as soon as I felt capable.
But I guess that doesn't always make it easier to be near me.
We weren't going to solve anything by being awake, so we went to sleep. Sleep was easy, with a little helping hand from my good friend Valium, and I slept well.
I woke up this morning and an angry beast was there to greet me.
He had waited patiently while I slept, but followed me around the house as an irritating reminder
that I was still angry
that I still didn't know why
and that I still didn't deserve the company of anyone.
We sat, the three of us
me
the beast
and my dog
on the couch, in the livingroom
Every once in a while looking out the window at the snow.
No one else was home
No one was around to be angry with
except for myself
No one could ever be mad at a cute little dog anyway.
I'd like to believe that on any other day, I would have gone out in the snow
and played.
I would have made a snowman,
and a snow angel or two.
Today though, the beast and I played house.
We puttered around the apartment,
trying to stay out of each others' way.
I took a hot shower, with some of my favorite music playing
He sat in the bedroom, looking out the window at the snow.
Robert came home from a long day at work
and an even longer walk home in the snow.
The beast's low and steady growl grew as Robert walked through the front door
And then Robert was home
needing things
needing space that I didn't want to share.
He had brought dinner, he had missed me.
But sometimes it isn't enough to be near me.
All of the sudden I was yelling and wanting to be alone
alone with my beast
and all of my emotions.
"You're acting like you don't have a soul," he said.
"Fuck you," was my retort.
Because the real answer was that I don't.
I'm cold, cruel and claimed by a beast.
I wish I could say I had just played in the snow.
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