I'm awake
I'm showered
I'm drinking coffee
Just this, is hard.
Just these three things, took hours.
I'm sitting in my backyard, the sun is out. I can feel the breeze, so I must be alive, right?
I just saw a butterfly, so I have to be real, yeah?
This isn't life, what I'm doing. This isn't living.
This is barely surviving.
I'm not even doing this shit on purpose, it's just happening to me.
I'm putting in zero percent at this point, and yet I've been waking up everyday.
I'm not fighting or struggling, but for whatever reason my beast won't fucking just take me already. Maybe it's just not fun for him this way, no challenge. But I'm giving in, I'm doing what he has wanted all along.
I'm here, I'm ready.
Take me, please take me.
I sound like the whiniest shit bag of a human but I don't fucking care.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Friday, April 29, 2016
Ready to Call it
I've been avoiding you again, I'm sorry.
The anxiety hasn't stopped and I'm avoiding everything. I feel like I'm borderline existing, although I've been trying to avoid that as well.
Sleep has been difficult; I'm awake until my body can no longer function, then I sleep. I often wake up late in the afternoon and fall asleep again shortly after.
So I guess those are my two states of being currently: anxious and asleep.
For two hours yesterday I felt connected to my body and able to form coherent words. I gave a presentation with a partner that neither of us had prepared for. We managed to engage the class in discussion for much longer than expected, the professor eventually gave us full reign for the entire class period. I was offering insight, I was making jokes, smiling and laughing.
My first class of the day was cancelled so I spent about an hour of the time I would normally be in that first class, studying for my upcoming class. So I guess I had three hours of productivity.
After that I spent my evening with two ladies that make me want to do better, be better. It was really nice to spend time with friends that allow me to be just as I am. There was a shadow of self-hate and shame that cast itself over the evening though. I didn't get any studying done, which had been the plan for our time together.
So far today I've:
Missed a therapy appointment that was desperately needed
Slept late, to wake up and fall back asleep again
Fucked around on my computer in this cafe for the last forty-five minutes
At what point can I just call it? When is it a good time to give up? This is it, this is all I will ever have.
Someone end this, end me. Because I'm too cowardly to do it myself.
I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to have lasted this long.
Yeah, I'm angry. Yeah I'm pissed that I'm still here, still doing this.
Why have you all let me drag this out? Why hasn't anyone given me a reality check, "Isabel what purpose do you have here, exactly? How much space are you taking up?"
Do me a favor. Please.
The anxiety hasn't stopped and I'm avoiding everything. I feel like I'm borderline existing, although I've been trying to avoid that as well.
Sleep has been difficult; I'm awake until my body can no longer function, then I sleep. I often wake up late in the afternoon and fall asleep again shortly after.
So I guess those are my two states of being currently: anxious and asleep.
For two hours yesterday I felt connected to my body and able to form coherent words. I gave a presentation with a partner that neither of us had prepared for. We managed to engage the class in discussion for much longer than expected, the professor eventually gave us full reign for the entire class period. I was offering insight, I was making jokes, smiling and laughing.
My first class of the day was cancelled so I spent about an hour of the time I would normally be in that first class, studying for my upcoming class. So I guess I had three hours of productivity.
After that I spent my evening with two ladies that make me want to do better, be better. It was really nice to spend time with friends that allow me to be just as I am. There was a shadow of self-hate and shame that cast itself over the evening though. I didn't get any studying done, which had been the plan for our time together.
So far today I've:
Missed a therapy appointment that was desperately needed
Slept late, to wake up and fall back asleep again
Fucked around on my computer in this cafe for the last forty-five minutes
At what point can I just call it? When is it a good time to give up? This is it, this is all I will ever have.
Someone end this, end me. Because I'm too cowardly to do it myself.
I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to have lasted this long.
Yeah, I'm angry. Yeah I'm pissed that I'm still here, still doing this.
Why have you all let me drag this out? Why hasn't anyone given me a reality check, "Isabel what purpose do you have here, exactly? How much space are you taking up?"
Do me a favor. Please.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Hey blog, long time no see. I'm sorry I haven't been around more. Turns out I'm a shitty friend.
I don't know what to say for myself that doesn't sound like an excuse. "I'm sorry, I've just been going through really rough time/
I think I'm depressed/
I've been too anxious to leave my house/
due to disability related issues I won't make it to class today."
"." That's the only part that matters. The period, the end of excuses. I'm starting to do all of the things I begin to do halfway through the term and I'm wondering yet again, if I'm just too lazy or disinterested in school. Or maybe I get bored easily, or I'm a quitter.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm not trying.
Today I woke up and I was overwhelmed by anxiety. And you know what I've realized? Anxiety doesn't always come quickly, cutting air from my lungs to the point of suffocation. Sometimes it's a heavy feeling in my throat that makes it difficult to swallow. An invisible weight on my shoulders that I'm unable to shake off. Or uncontrollably staring into space so that I might forget that time is passing, that time is running out.
It's longer than a panic attack, it lingers and is sometimes unshakeable for an entire day. It started this morning and is still happening. I've sent emails to my professors and that's only made me more anxious. I don't want to check my email but all I can think about is their faces as they read the messages: disbelieving, maybe even disgusted
I don't know. I don't. I have no idea.
Do you?
P.S. I turned 25 a while ago and I have a lot of feelings about it and I'll probably write about it soon. Maybe.
I don't know what to say for myself that doesn't sound like an excuse. "I'm sorry, I've just been going through really rough time/
I think I'm depressed/
I've been too anxious to leave my house/
due to disability related issues I won't make it to class today."
"." That's the only part that matters. The period, the end of excuses. I'm starting to do all of the things I begin to do halfway through the term and I'm wondering yet again, if I'm just too lazy or disinterested in school. Or maybe I get bored easily, or I'm a quitter.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm not trying.
Today I woke up and I was overwhelmed by anxiety. And you know what I've realized? Anxiety doesn't always come quickly, cutting air from my lungs to the point of suffocation. Sometimes it's a heavy feeling in my throat that makes it difficult to swallow. An invisible weight on my shoulders that I'm unable to shake off. Or uncontrollably staring into space so that I might forget that time is passing, that time is running out.
It's longer than a panic attack, it lingers and is sometimes unshakeable for an entire day. It started this morning and is still happening. I've sent emails to my professors and that's only made me more anxious. I don't want to check my email but all I can think about is their faces as they read the messages: disbelieving, maybe even disgusted
I don't know. I don't. I have no idea.
Do you?
P.S. I turned 25 a while ago and I have a lot of feelings about it and I'll probably write about it soon. Maybe.
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