I was going to write about my appointment with the psychiatrist today. I was going to tell you how unbelievably happy I was to be given my diagnosis this time around. Just in case any of you out there were wondering, still have Bipolar II. Shocker, right?
I was going to tell you that hearing out of another person's mouth,
that this thing is real
it has been happening to me
and I have been calling it by the right name,
was such an incredible gift.
I was going to tell you that I was prescribed medication today, and two out of the three I have taken before. Surprised again? Don't be.
It's actually a phenomena familiar among mental health professionals and their patients. We take our medications, they make us feel better
we feel better and forget the medications did that in the first place.
I was going to write about all of the big things I did today and how ready I am to take the next steps in my recovery.
But?
I'm pissed.
I'm so incredibly angry right now, and although I have many little reasons that come to mind I don't know if they actually have anything to do with my anger. All I know is that I don't want anyone near me. I got home from work about an hour ago, and have been eating ice cream and watching Netflix by myself. There are the little reasons why I think I'm angry, but even all mixed up together, I don't think they can explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling scary-angry, and as much as I feel like being by myself I'm also doing it because it is the only way I can guarantee my safety and the safety of those around me.I have cruel things I could say.
I could probably even fight someone.
I don't know where this has come from, or what I can do to stop it. I'm just sitting in my room, hoping it will pass. I don't like being this person, it's terrifying.
These moments are when I feel the most like a monster, the beast and I become one and the same.
Oh, how quickly the beast senses the threat and pulls me back to him. He's not going to make this easy, the fucking bastard.
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