The last two days I've felt strange. Not manic, or depressed, which you'd think would be states of being I'd refer to as odd. I guess I've just grown so accustomed to cycling between those extremes, it is uncomfortable for me to exist somewhere in the middle. So this must be what it feels like to be Isabel, eh?
I'm not sure if it makes for a good blog, but it definitely is a bit of a relief. I have been so tired, all of the time lately, that I went to bed last night and slept for the longest I have in quite a while. Except it wasn't the kind of sleep that I have when I'm really depressed and just don't want to be awake. This was sleep that filled me up, rejuvenated me, was whole. It was so complete that I was able to dream.
I had to have my therapy session over the phone, rather than go into the office which was a bit of a disappointment. But I didn't feel the usual sense of failure that I so often do when I can't execute my plans as I had foreseen them. Instead, I recognized that I couldn't get the amount of sleep I needed and get on the bus and go to my therapist's office. So I compromised. I slept, and when it came time for my appointment, I called in.
I found a way to be flexible, I dabbled a little in gray. And I survived. The world didn't end, I hadn't failed and I was safe.
Even further still, when I got off of the phone with my therapist to give myself enough time to get ready for class, and realized that I had gotten the timing of my bus wrong, I continued getting ready.
I wouldn't make the main part of the class, and that was disappointing.
That was not as I had planned.
But I could make it to the mentor session afterward. It would be better than nothing. It would be something gray.
I told myself the same thing as I sat down to write this entry. Am I in a fit of mania, full of creative ideas and insights to share? Am I depressed and in need of help, or a lifeline? Most certainly not.
I am myself today, and that is probably the scariest place I could be. After all, who is this person? I am not well acquainted with her. She could be anything, anyone. All of that possibility is unsettling, but it tells me that I am doing something right.
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult
than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole
woman.”--Maya Angelou
What a strange thing it seems to me, to be the most unfamiliar with the core you. Obviously, the various forms you take (manic, depressed, etc.) are parts of you. Exaggerated extremes. But to not really be familiar with the complete Isabel... I dunno. It's hard to wrap my head around. But I'm glad you're there now, for however long it stays!
ReplyDeleteThanks James. It must seem kind of funny, I know. I guess when you're moving back and forth between two extremes you forget that there is anything else. At least until it's staring you in the face like today. And then you don't know what to do with it, or about it. I'm sure though, as a person who has been friends with me for four years or so now, you must feel like you know the core Isabel pretty well. That allows me to hope that one day I will too.
ReplyDeleteMeeting who we really are is so uncomfortable but exciting. We have the power to mold who we want to be and what we want to do.
ReplyDeleteCompromising and balancing isn't easy. But you're right - the world didn't and you're safe. I'm proud of you