Right now
I'm sitting on the couch in my living room
Me, Robert and Katie
In that order
on the couch.
It is rare that a person have so many powerful conversations in one day.
I feel so lucky to be alive, that I should have a day like today, and the conversations.
Even though my mom would disagree that it is luck at all, but an accomplishment.
Instead, I guess I am proud to be alive. To have had this day and the conversations.
Tonight
Talked to Katie about so many things
talked through tears and screaming and whispers and belly laughs
To a stranger man on the bus about mental health, sexual violence and what I wanted to do with my life
and then we shook hands and said goodbye.
He didn't make advances, or invade my personal space or follow me home.
He did tell me that I would be great at doing what I want to do with my life.
To Sabra about what it is that I've realized I want to do with my life.
And friendship,
and where Sushiland was because we couldn't find it.
To Ellana, Sara and Ryah
about my blog
my children's book
my writing
my vision
and relationships.
This afternoon
The
beast has not been himself lately,
the
medication I am taking makes sure of that.
He
is more than two-faced, my beast.
He
has all of the faces of all those that have doubted me
and
my face is no exception.
The
other day he came to me as myself when I was a little girl.
She
was crying, little me, about the size of her thighs, her arms and her stomach.
She
was pounding on me with her little fists, raging
because
it is my fault, you see. I have let her be fat
her
entire life.
I
cannot stop eating. There is a void somewhere inside me
and
I fill it hastily, desperately with food.
The
beast has not been like himself lately.
He
has been distant and left me with myself.
Now
I really have no one else to blame. Everything I do now, I am responsible for.
A
couple of days ago I looked down at my stomach in the shower and fought a
strong urge to cut it off.
Cut
it out of me.
I
don’t need to be thin, because there are so many ways to be beautiful.
I
only wish I could be one of those ways.
Today
I dressed, but there was nothing to wear that would hide the fat.
Hide
the pain, the void and the harm I’ve done to myself by eating without
restraint.
I
have always found it hard to be naked.
Bare
and vulnerable.
These
days I refuse to be naked. I disgust myself.
I
just want to chop, chop, chop the ugly away.
Thinking
about it now, I feel sick to my stomach.
Where
is my self-control? Why am I so weak?
Little me screams that she doesn’t know.
Last Night
I feel like the enemy in hostile territory.
Holed up in my room, with only my beast for company.
I'm out of control, explosive, irrational and unreasonable.
All I want is space. All I can do is be responsible for myself.
I'm not crazy, but I'm only one that thinks so.
The beast doesn't mind the isolation, desertion.
He grows in the silence and the shadows, confident he will have me all to himself.
Moral of the story
I am so excited about this journey I've begun. I have waited my whole life for this.
I am going to therapy
I am on medication
I am going to pass my classes
I'm writing this blog and finding ways to reach more people
I think I want to go into social work and help mentally-ill/homeless/youth population
I am letting people embrace me
This is not it, this is not the end. My beast is mine and I am his. But maybe one day we can walk side by side, hand in hand.
