The Beast: A Diary

I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 14 years old. During one of my mom's pep talks on one of many mornings that I refused to get out of bed and go to school, she said to me "Isabel, you can't let the beast win." And thus the affectionate pet name for my lifelong companion, my illness. I believe we all have our own beasts, and we struggle with them in our own ways. This blog is a record of mental illness, and the memoir of a beast within. This is a story about a girl and her beast.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Thoughts Chasing Thoughts

Today is one of those days where there is so much to write, that I can't write any of it.

Can you understand that?

I am completely overwhelmed by all of the thoughts I'm thinking.
I can't pick just one,
just one thought.
I can't untangle them, or make sense of them.

There's just a lot,
all at once
and I don't know where or how to start dealing with any of it.

I woke up this morning and I didn't feel like leaving my house
so I didn't.
But staying home didn't help stop the thinking,
or the constant feeling that all the thinking I needed to be doing
would catch up with me.

I felt like the day was pursuing me,
every hour chasing after me
and once it was all over
when the day had ended
I would be laying in bed, trying to sleep
but thinking more of the same thoughts.

Days like today, I just want to be unconscious.
The beast thinks this is all a fucking joke.

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"my beast comes in the afternoon he gnaws at my gut he paws my head he growls spits out part of me.

my beast comes in the afternoon while other people are taking pictures while other people are at picnics my beast comes in the afternoon across a dirty kitchen floor leering at me

while other people are employed at jobs that stop their thinking my beast allows me to think about him, about graveyards and dementia and fear and stale flowers and decay and the stink of ruined thunder.

my beast will not let me be he comes to me in the afternoons and gnaws and claws and I tell him as I double over, hands gripping my gut, jesus, how will I ever explain you to them? they think I am a coward but they are the cowards because they refuse to feel, their bravery is the bravery of snails.

my beast is not interested in my unhappy theory—he rips, chews, spits out another piece of me.

I walk out the door and he follows me down the street. we pass the lovely laughing schoolgirls the bakery trucks and the sun opens and closes like an oyster swallowing my beast for a moment as I cross at a green light pretending that I have escaped, pretending that I need a loaf of bread or a newspaper, pretending that the beast is gone forever and that the torn parts of me are still there under a blue shirt and green pants as all the faces become walls and all the walls become impossible." -Charles Bukowski