The Beast Goes to the City

Morning found me nestled in the security of home and Robert's arms.
It found me early
It found me at peace and unprepared.

I had slept more than I had been able to on the trip.
I slept longer and harder.

But when I decided to face morning,
I was ready to be bold.
I was bold enough to dress once and not change my mind.
Bold enough to leave my face bare, resisting a strong urge to mask it in makeup.

I pulled on my boots that were made for kicking ass
and my great-grandmother's Sunday coat.
If she could run a farm by herself and still find a way to look damn good doing it---
Why couldn't I be bold?

I was bold as I challenged time and the arrival of my bus.
I was bold asking the bus driver for directions.
I was bold accepting the kindness of a complete stranger,
a friendly passenger who offered to hold my coffee while I paid for my ticket.
I continued to be bold
when I transferred to a bus I had never been on before.

I asked that bus driver for directions, too.

I convinced myself I was bold and had a conversation with a punk guy from the Amish country in Pennsylvania who thought I was gorgeous and insisted on calling me Izzy.
He and I shared smiles, and boldness.

I stepped off the bus at the right stop, still feeling bold.
I tried so hard to remain bold when I realized I didn't recognize my surroundings.

This morning, the front door of my apartment broke.
The knob just broke. The door wouldn't close.
It must have been that very small space between the door and the outside.
That very opportunity that the beast seized, and took advantage of.
I should have known.

I should have seen him slip out the door behind me and follow me to the bus stop.
I should have sensed him on the bus.
I should have known better than to be bold.

I had left my cellphone at home, and I was in a city I was not meant to be in.
I wasn't going to make it to my therapy appointment.
I couldn't call to tell anyone.

The beast followed me as I circled the block a few times, teasing me
Who did you think you were?
Who did you let yourself be this morning?
Someone who's capable? Someone who's smart?
Who are you, Isabel?

My heart was pounding in my chest
I couldn't feel my arms or my legs
I couldn't feel anything, except for the rapid beating of my heart
I felt like I was swimming, swimming in a very deep lake
with my head just above water.

I asked an older man crossing the street,
Where was Multnomah Blvd.?
I thanked him
I walked to a clothing boutique.
I asked the woman behind the counter,
Could she be so kind to let me use the phone?
Could she dial a number for me?
And another?
Oops, I dialed my cellphone at home
Another?

The day could begin again
she said
Right this moment
she said

I thanked her and left.

The beast was right. I am not bold.

I am resilient.

Afterthought:

He thinks they're better together
They're better than us

And the beast, he couldn't agree more.