Lucky to be Loved

I'm lucky he loves me
Robert, I mean
Not the beast.

The beast doesn't love me like he says he does
He makes a mess
and then leaves me with consequences,  and the clean up.

Last night he took my body from me.
I was already so out of control
so disconnected from myself.

I was reaching, reaching for anything familiar
anything I knew
anything.

I was hiding from my beast,
waiting him out
from the security of my bed,
and Robert's arms.

Robert had bought me my favorite candy,
we were watching Netflix
while the beast paced back and forth outside.

He wouldn't let me hold onto myself
The beast cut me apart
separated me
tore me in two.

We made love but I couldn't feel a thing.
Robert sensed it
He knew, he always knows.

The beast hurts me
but he hurts others, too.
He hurts the ones I love the most.

I'm so very lucky he loves me
Robert, I mean
Not the beast.

I woke up this morning, panicked about the french test I was supposed to take today.
Panicked, yet paralyzed.
I couldn't study, I couldn't talk to my mom on the phone
I couldn't get out of bed.

I've watched the time tick away, and have been unable to do anything about it.
Class starts in thirty minutes.

Robert understands, he tells me he loves me
I'm so unbelievably lucky he loves me
Robert, I mean
Not the beast

I've taken the last of it, the last of this medication that I will ever take.
I see my doctor tomorrow.
I hope the beast decides to stay at home.