Mon âme sœur

I'm not a good friend.

I've come across so many amazing human beings in the twenty two years I've been alive.
And I haven't deserved them. Any of them.
Not
a
single
one.

The beast shakes my confidence. He breaks it, until I am all alone.

He has me soaring high, so high I feel almost invincible.
Why wouldn't anyone want to be my friend? he says
You have to make it up to them
he urges
It'll be different this time, right? he prompts

I reach out to you, extend farther than I think myself capable of
I reach out to you until my heart feels strained and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Come back to me. Love me.

Time takes forever to pass.
Every moment leading up to seeing you, feels like an eternity
An eternity alone.

My skin crawls, the beast watches me knowingly.
I dream of cliffs, edges and an eternal abyss.
Everyday, hand in hand the beast and I approach the line
the boundary
the end and beginning.

I gasp for air, but no air comes.
I lean into the nothingness, giving myself to it

But at the last minute, I swing on my heels
All the way around
I close my eyes and walk back to where I've come from
He yells after me,
"I AM ALL YOU NEED"
"I AM YOUR ALL AND YOUR ONLY"

I don't look back.
Yet I am very, very sorry.

Link Below: 

Making Sure Your Friendships Survive Your Diagnosis