Studying Self

I haven't studied yet. I'm just at a cafe, pretending that's what I'm doing. But I got out of bed this morning, early. And I'm where I said I would be, at the cafe. I have friends that will stop by and study with me. I've planned this so that I stay accountable. So that I am successful.

So far, I have done all of the right things. Now I have to do the hard thing. I have to quiet my mind, tell myself that I am capable. I've started to realize that the issue isn't that I don't understand the material. I am completely academically capable. I think I worry that if I tell myself I'm going to do something, accomplish something and I don't complete it, or worse, don't attempt to complete it at all, I will have to face the beast. He holds all of my shame, guilt, disappointment---everything. I have missed so many classes, dates with friends etc. to avoid all anxiety or discomfort. I take the easy way out, almost every time. At this point, I don't feel capable of actually doing anything that I say I'm going to do. The fact that I have to constantly check myself, challenge myself, to do that on any given day tells me that I can't. I can't do it.

Today isn't important because I need to do all of this studying, although it kind of is. It's most important because I've said I would do something and I want to do it. I want to do what I've said I would. I want to follow through and not get caught somewhere before I even begin.

I'm such a mess. I am non-committal, irresponsible, lazy, weak, oversensitive, immature and my life will stay exactly the same because I will let it.

I can't even believe this is something I need to think about or process. This shouldn't even be a thing. This was a mistake, thinking I could actually go through with this. I should have stayed home, in bed. If I don't expect anything of my self, no one else will. Right?

Now to study?