Back to Basics

I've been giving up everyday for a while now and I don't know what to do about it. I'm sleeping more, eating less and you can bet your buttons I'm not studying. My therapist encourages me to look at the things I'm doing right, the ways I'm living better, that might be more difficult for me to see. I guess it's true that I'm very critical of myself and have a hard time seeing aspects of my life where I'm successful. But I feel like I can't give myself too much credit, because yeah I'm not dead, yeah I've showered everyday, yeah I take my medication before I go to sleep at night....but that's basic.

I want to do better at life.

I am not the beast, but I'm not anyone I like either. To be fair, there are times when I do like myself. But they feel in the grand scheme of things, to be brief and far and few between. I don't know what I need to do to get there. Or if I'm just looking at this all wrong.

What if I were to do nothing at all? Is that what I'm doing now? If I were just to accept that I am doing nothing at all to like myself more, would I eventually turn out to like myself anyway?

Whether or not I ever turn out to be any of these things, I want to feel like I am:

Beautiful

Intelligent

Talented

Wise

Compassionate

Funny

Adventurous

Honest

Healthy

Happy

I'm no longer satisfied with the rare moments that I feel I am one of these things. I don't think it is realistic to hope that I might one day feel all of these things at once. But that's okay. I would just like to, more often that not, enjoy being me.

For so much of my life I have felt like a storm, sweeping great spaces, destroying everything in my path. I'm ready to build. I'm ready to create things, including a life for myself where I am able to love who I am.

But what do I know? This may be just the bullshit I tell myself to stay alive.