The last few days have been reminiscent of this time last year...and the year before...and the year before that. Starting to see a pattern? I definitely have.
I think that this pattern has a lot to do with the change in weather (it's dark from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep at night), midterms and self-fulfilled prophecies. Mostly those prophecies, man. Those are killer.
What if I'm struggling so hard right now because I have been saying that this would happen? Maybe by saying winter is the worst time of the year for me, I have made it the worst. If I've been expecting to hit this low point for so long, doesn't it make sense that I would jump head first, down into it?
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Telling myself I've chosen this is hypocritical. I can't remind my mom so passionately that if "I could choose to do something different, I would have already", if I'm sitting here, right this minute, questioning whether or not I brought this on myself. Or maybe it's a combination of both?
I have a tendency to detach myself at the first signs of failure, although I admit I tend to read into those "signs", things that are not actually there. I miss a class, an assignment or piss an hour away instead of studying and I decide that it's all over, that I couldn't have done it anyway. I'm afraid of failure, I recognize this. That realization doesn't mean that all of the sudden I'm going to be able to push myself to do things that I don't think I'm capable of. It doesn't work like that, like magic.
The worst part, I guess, is that sometimes I feel powerless to stop it. I see myself spiraling, I see me screwing myself over by sleeping through a class, binge watching Gilmore Girls instead of reading textbook chapters or stuffing my face with leftover Halloween junk instead of getting off my ass and out of the house to get groceries. I know what I'm doing to myself, I know that it's harmful but I give up and give in anyway. I've got a stubborn side and fear of failure, mix those together and it makes sense that I might implode.
I'm aware of these things. I'm aware of them and that's why it's hard not to blame myself. I know what I'm doing, what it will result in and I'm doing it anyway. I'm choosing to fuck myself over. And at any point I could choose differently. Right? Maybe.
It wasn't too long ago that I was able to remind myself and record it here, that the hardest thing for me to do has always been to show up. I had said that I'm going to do more of that, above everything else. I haven't been doing that and my self-fulfilled prophecy is making it difficult to give it another go. I've been avoiding writing here for many reasons, I'm coming to realize. I was spiraling and gave the middle finger to everything, especially to the aspects of my life that may help me pin myself down long enough to find a way out. I didn't want to admit failure that was completely self-induced. I didn't like anything that I had to say, or was at other times, completely speechless.
I was reading through old Facebook messages between me and all sorts of people past and present, some of which might be a topic for another day, and relived the many voices of encouragement and appreciation during the early stages of this blog. Back then I wrote often and without restraint. Some of the time I felt I was impacting the lives of those who read and other times I was recreating (or maybe rediscovering) myself. It was my road to freedom.
I don't know if either of those things were true then or if they are still, but I need to keep writing. I need to push myself past failure. Through the days where I feel like I have nothing important to say, or the ability to succeed in school. I need to refocus (once again) on showing up.
Showing up means:
Waking up
Getting out of bed
Getting in the shower
Getting dressed, brushing my teeth and hair
Drinking a cup of coffee
Leaving the house
Getting on the bus
Arriving, to arrive in all the ways that word implies
at the place I choose to be that day.
I'm getting ahead of myself and we all know how well that works out. That list is long and I can't commit to showing up everyday for the rest of my life.
But tomorrow, I will arrive to my hip hop class, so I can dance the shit out of it.
Afterthought:
HA. I just found a post I started sometime last week before shit hit the fan. "It's halfway through the term and I'm doing so well".........I am going to be my own demise.
I guess I'm glad I didn't finish it, that would have really made me look stupid. Maybe I knew it was too good to be true.
I refuse to run away. I refuse to sink. This term has been different, I refuse to chalk it up to good luck.
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