Oh Brother

Today my brother Max was readmitted to sub-acute, a residential home for kids with behavioral and developmental issues. I knew this was coming for a while and was frustrated when it seemed like no one outside of our family saw that we were in crisis, that we needed help. It doesn't make it any easier though, to think that he may not be with us for the holidays. 
Yesterday I was talking with my mom about the choices we make in our lives and how much they shape our experiences. Although the choice to bring my brothers Zach and Max into our family wasn't mine, it has shaped me in ways that I'm still discovering. I know without a doubt that I would not be the person I am if they had not come into my life.

I remember the night Max came home. He was wearing a jacket at least three sizes to big for him and I remember thinking his head fit his body in a similar way. It was huge! And goofy, bald and the cutest thing I had ever seen. 
Then the many days I would lay with him on the floor of his bedroom (the one I had given up), watching him roll around and giggle and play.
Feeding him in his baby chair. Watching his head bob to "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley and thinking he was the smartest baby I had ever encountered.
He grew to be this ball of energy, with a sense of humor way beyond his years.  

It has been heart breaking to see his struggle. These days he is a person I feel I hardly know. It's not his fault and I don't believe it's forever. But the days and moments he is someone recognizable have become far and few between.

I love him fiercely. I want my brother back.

The first picture here was taken three Halloweens ago, when Max was in sub acute the first time. We had all hoped it would be the last.
Yet here we are, again.

I know I should be studying but I am overwhelmed with grief.
I have been waiting so long for our family to be whole. It has been years, for many reasons.
It has been too long.

I don't feel like this is what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it. Oh well.

My dearest Max,

You are so funny, resilient and loving. You have been my brother since the day you were born, before I had even met you. You are a choice I make everyday.

Love,

Your Deedster