7/10

It's week seven out of ten in the term, I need to keep my shit together. Now is not the time to fucking lose it. I have to remind myself that however bad I've felt over the last couple of weeks is nothing compared to previous terms. I'm currently taking more credits than I ever imagined I would and even though it hasn't been perfect I've still managed to do better than I have before.
Last weekend I dipped, it happened quick and without any warning. Friday I woke up late and leisurely, not too concerned with getting all of my studying done because I had the whole weekend. Friday's have become the day where I do anything but school. Mostly I lounge around at home, alone, without responsibility or structure. I should have recognized that this specific Friday felt different, however slightly. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
But you know how I knew? What tipped me off that this was the beginning of a plummet into nothingness?

I didn't shower.
I was eating without restraint.
I was watching Netflix and playing a game on my phone. (This is when my brain has gotten to the point where watching something isn't enough to numb myself and detach from reality, I need another layer of protection)
I didn't get off the couch and go to sleep until after 4:30am.

You know what happened then?
I did it all the next day.

Katie came over Saturday night after work to keep me company and maybe help motivate me to study. I didn't study but her presence definitely kept me somewhat present.
We watched an episode of a show we've been trying to watch together since the beginning of the summer. Our schedules don't allow for much time together.
I didn't want to watch it. I said it would be too heavy for me. I wanted to stick to cartoons and humor.
I was right.
I should have listened to my instinct and refused to watch. I didn't want to disappoint her and I felt bad for not being able to watch it with her for so long. And honestly, there is no way that either of us could have predicted exactly what was going to happen. But I knew enough of the plot and I should have stood my ground. That she is not responsible for.
I don't know if I was nice about the way I communicated my regret after we had finished the episode. I had been triggered and felt panic and grief rise up in me all at once. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get it out of my mind, I couldn't unsee it.
Every night since, I think about it before I go to sleep. I'm thinking about it now.
I'm hoping it will pass. I've been affected like this by things I've watched many times before, time usually heals.

Sunday was no different.

This week I've had moments but even people that don't know me well have noticed. This feeds the lie my beast tells me, the one where everyone has noticed.

Now I've had more absences in classes than I would like. I had to ask for an extension on an assignment. I hope my accommodations through the Disability Resource Center will help me in my self-advocacy, but they've been of little use before. I guess we'll see.

This is still good though, right? This is better? I'm in week seven out of ten. Usually this would have happened in the first few weeks of the term, once the novelty had worn off. I haven't missed as many classes as I have before. I've only asked for one extension.
This is good. Tell me this is good.

I need to fucking keep my shit together. Fuck.

If I can just hold on a little longer. When winter break comes I can release my crazy. But not yet, not now.