Crazy Talk

I'm here, again. I feel like that's almost the only thing I need to say. Maybe I could install some sort of check-in button for this blog so you'll know when I've logged on. That way anytime I come back here you can bet-your-bottom-dollar that I've hit, well, rock bottom. But maybe I shouldn't try to meld all of my depressive episodes into one huge lump of evidence that I'm just a sad person. Maybe they really are distinct in important ways. Maybe coming back here isn't a sign I've failed, yet again, to be happy. I will say though, that the evidence seems stacked against that point of view.

I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound crazy, so I'm just going to say it.
I think I'm going to die soon.
Told you.

Before you jump to all sorts of conclusions: No I do not plan on taking my own life.
Let me try to explain, okay?

When I turned twenty-five years old, I was shocked that I had survived that long. I had never before then imagined that I would live that long. Mostly because my mental illness was so successfully kicking my ass that I didn't feel up to the task of fighting back and I was pretty sure that I would eventually give up.
I turn twenty-seven in a month and I'm still alive but it almost feels like by complete accident. Like death had an appointment with me but double-booked or something and is just now too embarrassed to admit he made a mistake. A lot of my life has changed drastically in the last few months, I know that needs to be acknowledged too. My life circumstances would probably make anyone feel a little disoriented and dizzy.
But I'm not dizzy right now, I'm telling you that I'm operating on borrowed time and I think it's so that I can prove what I'm worth. I don't know when the deadline is or what it'll be that finally gets death off my back but I know that it's soon and I'm fighting harder than I ever have before. This time I don't think I'm going to give up and take my own life. This time I have a feeling that if I give up it will be taken from me.

Yeah, it still sounds crazy. I get it. What's new.