The Hardest Thing to do, is to Lie

Truths:

• I worked hard and was productive over the weekend
• I put effort into all of my assignments
• I am in a strong place emotionally
• I am intelligent
• I am capable
• I am determined

One simultaneous truth that doesn't invalidate the truths mentioned above:

• I didn't do as well on an assignment as I had hoped

I've talked to Audrey, Robert and my mom about it. So I'm not going to go over the details again here. I've gone over it enough in my mind and aloud, I don't need to pull each strand of it apart and beat myself up until I draw blood.

What I am going to do, is keep showing up. This is new, I have never done this before. The best and most reaffirming thing I can do, I have decided, is to continue to work hard and be present. I'm not sure what the result will be; it may or may not be that I receive better grades on assignments, or that I feel an increased amount of self-satisfaction and confidence. But why the hell shouldn't I try? Why shouldn't I create an opportunity where I might surprise myself?

Last term, I didn't feel like I was doing very well in my classes. This may or may not have been an accurate perspective, but that is irrelevant. I didn't feel like I was doing well and I wanted to drop them all and maybe take an indefinite break from school. Fear held tightly in the palm of my beast's hand, told me I needed to act quickly. Rip off the bandage, so to speak. I called my therapist in a panic, wanting to hear her say that I should drop out of my classes. But what she said was this: Do you ever think about trying something you've never done before? Is dropping out of school the easiest thing to do?

Convinced that I was a coward and constantly choosing the easiest way out of my discomfort, she stopped me in my tracks. True, all I had to do was to go online and click "withdraw" for all of my classes and it would be done. That part was effortless. But my beast would pile my shoulders high with pebbles at first, then rocks until one day I would find myself buried in boulders.
And if I stayed in my classes, did the most I could do and didn't do well? The beast would grumble, growl, roar until he was winded and then curl up in a corner and fall asleep. Would it be difficult to stay in the classes? Of course. But would there be an end? Most definitely.

The hardest thing I have done time and time again, is walk away. So I'm gonna go easy on myself, just this once.