It's after 4am and I haven't fallen asleep yet. Something tells me I won't. I've been reading through old posts, something I do from time to time. It still surprises me how much I can learn about myself by looking back. I have no way of knowing whether or not my blog has impacted anyone else. Especially considering that no one seems to be interested in talking about anything I write here, with me. But it's probably most important that it has given some meaning to my life. If I have ever considered the possibility that I'm not actually bipolar, this blog is a hard slap to my face. The cyclical nature of my illness is undeniable in my writing. Almost all of the time I'm fluctuating between extremes. Days of euphoria and productivity, followed by dread, grief and self-loathing. I don't know if I've made any progress in managing these episodes but I'm learning. Maybe that's my purpose for now, to put pieces together, store information for later. Maybe these insights will prove to be helpful when I most need them. Who knows.
Lately I've been thinking I would really like to make writing my life. I don't know yet in what capacity and it may be most realistic to believe that my writing will be confined to this blog. But I would really love to do it. To make something of it, and beautiful things with it. I could do that, right? I think part of this sudden urge is because I've been feeling really hopeless about school. I mean, I've felt this way about school many times before. I've even considered that maybe school just isn't for me, that it's not in my life path. But I think the desire to center my life around writing is based in a passion for self-expression, a sense of urgency to decrease stigma and to tirelessly advocate for others who experience mental illness. This, at the core of my being, is what I believe I'm here to do. And I think I should be able to do that, to focus on that. But I'll probably need to work in a capacity that society deems acceptable. Because otherwise, my crazy ass is worth nothing.
This is probably entirely unintelligible and the ranting of manic zombie but I thought I'd say something before I plunge back into studying and the final countdown. Stick around, good stuff is on the way. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
BBL
"But I'll probably need to work in a capacity that society deems acceptable. Because otherwise, my crazy ass is worth nothing."
ReplyDeleteFuck society, Isabel. You are intelligent. You are passionate. You are loving.
You are worthy.
And I think you hit the nail on the head.
You must write. A lot and frequently. And whenever you feel like it. And it's OK to write just for yourself, too. By doing so you still will help others.
Go, Isabel. Write.
Love you.