It's difficult after I have a few good days, to dip so low again. Those good days are misleading and I think I will always be disappointed when they don't last. It's impossible sometimes to not be disappointed in myself, even when I haven't done anything different, even when it's completely out of my control.
I had a few good ones. I accomplished some things, finished some assignments just in time. But now I'm here, again. And there's a whole new week, with a whole new set of assignments I have yet to do.
Today I've had a few people in my life reach out and that always means so much to me. Especially when they know and understand. A friend of mine, that I haven't seen in years, asked me today how I am and when I said "Not good" she only had to ask "The beast?". That is incredibly validating and I'm so fortunate to have people like that in my life.
I know they would never want to be the cause of any of my pain, but it's still hard for me to avoid feeling like I've disappointed them. My dear friends want to know that I'm doing well and when I can't tell them what they so badly want to hear, it's hard not to feel the weight of that. It's hard not to feel like I should be doing better, not only for me, but for those that I care about.
I can't help feeling like I've brought this on myself. I don't know why I thought I should take 22 credits this term or why I thought two less credits would make any difference. I don't know why I feel like I have something to prove. And maybe to some people, I do. But if I'm honest with myself, I'm in the game to prove to myself, that I'm capable. I don't know why the past 24 years of life, of survival aren't enough proof of my strength and resilience. I'm not sure why I feel the need to put myself into the most challenging situations, situations that would be hard for anyone mental illness or no.
I'm sure I've come to a point similar to this before, but I realize now that I need to do some things in order to improve the quality of my life. I can't but also don't want to live this way.
I want to be able to get up in the morning.
I want to be able to leave my house.
I want to be able to enter into social situations, new ones, but any at all really.
I want to be able to sleep better at night.
I want to feel less like I want to die.
So I guess my work, beyond school, is cut out for me. It's a lot but I know what I need to do and I know of ways that I can do it.
I need to find a new psychiatrist, one that I feel is genuinely invested in my mental health.
I need to start seeing a therapist again, one that will help me to continue developing skills.
I need to adjust my meds so they can do their job.
I've also been thinking about the benefits of an emotional support animal. I've been doing some research and I think having a dog that has been trained to help me get out of bed in the morning, ride with me on the bus and minimize my anxiety might really help.
For those who have met my dog Penelope, she is great. The best little dog I could ever ask for. She is family and isn't going anywhere. But she doesn't have the training to fill this purpose.
Does anybody have information/resources for finding an emotional support animal? Anyone have experience with finding one/having one? Benefits/drawbacks? I could really use advice and guidance.
I need to stop working so hard to prove my worth and move forward as if I am the most worthy of stability, heath and well-being. This has got to be the beginning of something different.
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