"What in the actual fuck is happening."

That right there folks is the only line of a draft I started on my last attempt at writing here. 
I don't have any idea what I was talking about. But I do know that it's applicable to my life most of the time. It's not like it was an epiphany or realization that would have been helpful to have remembered.
So no real loss, I guess. 

It's relevant today, as ever.

Winter term was supposed to start, I had two classes I was supposed to go to. But snow, ice and the hysteria that surrounds a snow storm in Portland, meant that the whole campus was shut down.
I'm hoping it'll be reopened tomorrow because I have another four more that I'm waiting to start.

I was kind of disappointed at first, because I had psyched myself up for it. And the beginning of the term is the easiest so I'm looking forward to getting a better idea of what my classes are going to be like.

But after grocery shopping today and trying my best not to fall on my ass carrying them into the house, the one thing I don't want to do tomorrow is go back out there.
I don't want studying and work and getting up early.
I don't want pressure and I don't want failure.

I crammed over the weekend to finish a bunch of work I was missing from one of my classes I took last term, so I could get a grade for the class. It was due today, at the start of this term and I, of course, had put it off until the last minute.
But I felt so relieved to send all of it off to my professor last night, because I had been carrying that weight over the entirety of my winter break.
And then when I woke up this morning and I figured out that I didn't have class, I realized this was the first day of my break (and it wasn't even supposed to be my last) that I was legitimately free from obligation.

So that fucking blows.

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Now it's today, the day after I started writing this, the first day of actual classes.
But I started my period last night and my cramps are so bad they make me nauseated and I've been throwing up all morning.
So no class for me.
I'm missing the very first ones. And I have four classes today.

I feel like I'm being stabbed in the gut. I'm so nauseated that water won't even hold in my stomach and I can't move.
And if that wasn't miserable enough, I'm so incredibly anxious about missing my classes today. What if they give someone else my spot? What if I miss so much that I fall behind? What if this reflects on me as a student to my professors?

I know it's not my fault and it's out of my control and blah blah blah.
But it feels so much like something else, so much like all of the other times I just didn't go that I can't help hating myself a little bit.

So, here I am.