I was supposed to have studied today. But instead I watched the day pass without emotion or a sense of urgency. And here I am, yet again. In this place.

I hate so much that I am this way. I'm tired of asking "why" and also feel like as an adult that it's no longer an appropriate question. It doesn't matter at all why because I need to be something different. I need to get over these hang ups and do what needs to be done. The "why" of it isn't going to get me there. I don't know what will.

I don't know where the end will be. But I need it to be soon. Please, let it be soon.

When I think about living the rest of my life this way, I don't want to live it at all. This is an excuse for an existence. This is nothing, I am nothing.

I'm still so tempted to ask why. But instead, I'll ask "what".

What is it going to take for me to stop this self-destructive behavior?
What is it that I need to get through my head?
What about myself do I hate so much that motivates me to punish myself like this?
What am I doing here, if I'm not capable of anything?

School may kill me. Send help.