Hey blog, long time no see.  I'm sorry I haven't been around more. Turns out I'm a shitty friend.

I don't know what to say for myself that doesn't sound like an excuse. "I'm sorry, I've just been going through really rough time/
I think I'm depressed/
I've been too anxious to leave my house/
due to disability related issues I won't make it to class today."

"." That's the only part that matters. The period, the end of excuses. I'm starting to do all of the things I begin to do halfway through the term and I'm wondering yet again, if I'm just too lazy or disinterested in school. Or maybe I get bored easily, or I'm a quitter.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm not trying.

Today I woke up and I was overwhelmed by anxiety. And you know what I've realized? Anxiety doesn't always come quickly, cutting air from my lungs to the point of suffocation. Sometimes it's a heavy feeling in my throat that makes it difficult to swallow. An invisible weight on my shoulders that I'm unable to shake off. Or uncontrollably staring into space so that I might forget that time is passing, that time is running out.

It's longer than a panic attack, it lingers and is sometimes unshakeable for an entire day. It started this morning and is still happening. I've sent emails to my professors and that's only made me more anxious. I don't want to check my email but all I can think about is their faces as they read the messages: disbelieving, maybe even disgusted

I don't know. I don't. I have no idea.
Do you?

P.S. I turned 25 a while ago and I have a lot of feelings about it and I'll probably write about it soon. Maybe.