Not Like the Others #1

When you've been struggling for so long, you are willing to do just about anything to start living your life again. Unfortunately, that willingness often isn't enough. Just because I'd like to be better, doesn't mean I will be. If that desire was enough, then I wouldn't be dealing with any of this would I?
I know it was unrealistic to go to the doctor today and expect immediate results, but regardless I am disappointed. I respect that he was honest with me and that he doesn't feel comfortable prescribing me with medication, but I'm also really tired of carrying on like this. Cycling through emotions so rapidly is exhausting enough, but I also have school and work to worry about.

I believe my doctor has the best of intentions, but I left my appointment feeling misunderstood. He asked that I agree to a verbal contract that I must tell my mom, Robert or him if I feel that I may harm myself or others. While I believe that was a reasonable request to make, he referred to others as "innocents" and his temporary solution was to prescribe me Valium for manic episodes, which left me feeling like the guilty party; like a dangerous person who requires sedation as not to be a threat to the safety of people. I have to remind myself that this is not my fault, this is not my choice and this does not have to be my whole life.

I have an appointment set for the nineteenth of next month with another doctor, but so much can happen in a few weeks. When my moods are shifting drastically within hours and sometimes minutes, a few weeks feels like an eternity. I've also come to realize that this doctor uses natural treatment techniques, so while she may be able to offer helpful supplements, she won't be able to help me find a long-term medication that works. So I'm back to square one, and must find a healthcare professional that:

• Is covered by my insurance
• Has experience with bipolar
• Can prescribe medication
• Is located relatively close to where I live
• Is accepting new patients
• Can see me in the near future

I am so very fortunate to have people in my life that care about me, want to better understand my illness and are willing to make sacrifices of their own in order for me to get the help that I need. I am frustrated by the process and I am overwhelmed by my circumstances, but more than anything I feel sorry for those who do not have the support that I do. Since my diagnosis eight years ago I have encountered so many obstacles that have kept me from receiving the treatment and accommodations I need in order to live a functional life. I can't even begin to fathom the suffering of those that have more severe forms of mental illnesses like bipolar and are also disadvantaged by their race, economic status or sexual orientation. Not all have mothers to drive them to appointments, speak for them when they are unable, or to hold them accountable when they are considering harmful behavior.

I have refused to accept the reality of my illness for long enough, and it is time that I fully commit myself to my health and happiness. That is the only way I will ever be able to help those like myself, that are unable to help themselves.

My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist that is not within my insurance network, but my parents have assured me that we will make it work financially, because it is important that I see someone as soon as possible. The psychiatrist has an appointment available next week, and I'm daring to hope this may be the help that I need to recommit myself to my mental health and my future.

Links Below:

Mental Health: Culture, Race, and Ethnicity—A Supplement to Mental Health: A Report of the Surgeon General

Eliminating Mental Health Disparities by 2020: Everyone's Actions Matter